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aggressive, you tell your therapist,
    he's always been aggressive.
    you detail the storms you weathered,
    the verbal battering ram,
    the hammer that kept falling until
         the nail fell into place.
    "he never hit me", you're quick to assure,
    but you do speak, eventually,
    about the threats, about the way he towered
         over you, above you, through you,
    the ways he threatened to hurt you &
    the time you watched her fly into a wall.

but, but, but, but, but
    you don't want to be unfair to him.
    his demons are sharper-clawed,
    bigger, scarier, more sadistic.
    yours are a children's story;
    his are a news story after watershed,
    the kind that gives children nightmares.
         (they gave you nightmares, after
         he turned them on you.)
    you write angsty poetry.
    he has to sleep on the couch because the bed
         has too many memories.

uptight, you know that's how he thinks of you,
    now that his driving scares you,
    and you can't stomach motorcycles.
    this sort of cowardice used to be your mother's,
         one more thing he used against her.
    now you are the killjoy and you know
         the ways he mocks you &
         that he would make you scream &
         laugh himself sick over it.
    he tells your brother to torment you with spiders,
         and you wonder if he would crash a car,
         just to see your discomfort.

sober six months, clean six months,
    and you know you should be happy,
    but you see the way his temper twists
    & explosions threaten & you wonder
         if the poison he poured into his body
         also poisoned his rage.
    you would rather have him drug-free & angry,
    but it's a harder call than you'd imagine.
    everything you know about his sex life
         gets filed into a little cupboard in your brain,
         along with the ways he's been hurt,
         & the other words you're not allowed to refuse.
         you try to forget.

every time you talk about him, you joke.
    there are words you don't use,
    words that are for other people who
         Had It Worse.
    you grew up on eggshells &
    the soles of your feet are scarred
    from where you didn't tread softly enough.
    you tend to him as an indentured servant,
         chained to his garden,
         forced to water his needs before your own.
    he says "you're my only friend".
    he says "you're so fucking selfish."
    he says "you're the only reason i haven't
         jumped off of a bridge."

    you say,
         "he never hit me".

deviantID

LionessAmaya
Kayla
Canada
kayla.
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Journal History

so i'm here. kind of. off and on. i don't really write anymore, but i'll probably check up a couple times a month.

thank you to everyone who validated my 14 year old self, i needed it.

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:iconkamilafranke:
kamilafranke Featured By Owner May 24, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
thanks for the fav :happybounce:
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:iconknittingwitht1:
knittingwithT1 Featured By Owner May 1, 2013
Thank you for all the favourites!!! :la:
Reply
:iconrollingtomorrow:
RollingTomorrow Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2013   General Artist
Welcome to :iconlive-love-write:! :happybounce:

We’re glad to have you as a member and look forward to seeing your contributions! :heart:

We have a lot of ways for our members to get involved! We host a prompt on a weekly basis and comment on and feature each of the submissions. :nod:

We’re also currently holding a poetry contest for our members to participate in. The full details are in our group blog and there are lots of prizes to be won! :la:

If you have any questions, feel free to ask. :D
Reply
:iconlionessamaya:
LionessAmaya Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2013
Thank you so much for the warm welcome! I'll be sure to check everything out; I'm super excited to be part of this group!
Reply
:iconsafe-as-houses:
Safe-As-Houses Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
WHOREFACE

:heart:
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:iconlionessamaya:
LionessAmaya Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2013
:heart:

AW, YOU'RE A WHOREFACE TOO
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:iconsafe-as-houses:
Safe-As-Houses Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
^^
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:icongrim-grinning:
Grim-Grinning Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
:iconthankyouplz01::iconthankyouplz02::iconthankyouplz03::iconthankyouplz04::iconthankyouplz05:

Thank you so much for the favorite; I really appreciate it ♥
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:iconknittingwitht1:
knittingwithT1 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013
Hey! You've been tagged. :) [link]
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:iconblissfull-emo:
blissfull-emo Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Student General Artist
hey, if you are interested i have made a rycer group. [link]
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:iconlionessamaya:
LionessAmaya Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013
Thanks! I'll check it out. :)
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:icontaturivera:
taturivera Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013
Thank you so much, for the fave.
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:iconlionessamaya:
LionessAmaya Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013
You're welcome!
Reply
:icontaturivera:
taturivera Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013
:hug:
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:iconkmforward:
KMforward Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the +fav :D
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